Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
