note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
