My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
