I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
