hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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