I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
