U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
