just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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