Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I need water and some morals
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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