I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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