Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
