Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He shit in the fireplace
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
