yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
