I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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