you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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