Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
