I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
