When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
