Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
