I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
