Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
