Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
