i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she pinky promised me she was 18
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
