maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
