if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I will pee on everything he values.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
