Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
