The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
