i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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