who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
