I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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