In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize