I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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