I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
