new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
