somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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