I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am one with the molecules
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
