giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
