you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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