thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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