Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
