How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
