I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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