Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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