I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
