He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
