Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
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Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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