Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
