you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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