he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
