Betty ford says i'm here all night
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
