Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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