i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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