this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
