why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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