we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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