I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
