Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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