your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
